I know I haven't been around in months. Lots has happened, but haven't written much. Hopefully I will be able to keep up...
The biggest thing, is I left Barbados.
I just couldn't do it. I couldn't stay. I loved my friends, I loved my job, I loved my yoga and dance classes, but I loved him too and can't stay where he is (among other reasons) so I am now back in Canada. I need to move on and know I can't move on there . I was only there for one reason, and no matter the life I am able to build for myself apart from him, I just couldn't stay.
Some people may look at it as 'quitting' but I see it as doing what is best. Canada is what is best.
I often think of my friends that I had (still have as we are in touch often!). They got me through such a rough time. It's funny being an ex-pat. You leave your family and friends behind, to meet new people, who slowly become your friends and family. You don't know them very long, or at first not even very well, but you are able to bond and connect at a deeper level, because you are all a million miles away from everyone else.
These friends, who knew me only a short few months, were the people who listened to me cry, (my friends at home did that over the phone too) kept me company, and got me drunk when I needed it. :)
I don't know what I would do without them.
I don't know when I will see them again, or what paths our lives will take. But they have made such a difference in my life they have no idea.
Little a
xoxo
November 30, 2010
August 14, 2010
July 16, 2010
She wore what?!?!
Rewind to early June 2010, my friend Michelle called me one day and told me that there was going to be a Sex and the City 2 movie premiere at the theatre in Barbados, would I be interested in coming? Although I had already been to a similar event the week before in Canada, I agreed to go anyway. A night out with the girls is always fun. The days preceding the movie I was super busy at work. And me, the woman who thinks about what to wear before an event found myself jumping into the shower twenty minutes before I had to be at the theatre with not a single clue what to wear; and the question was dressy or not too dressy? Hate to be the one under dressed, and there is no such thing as over dressed you just look better than everyone else. ;)
Since I didn't have time to do my hair (my head of curls is a process and a half) I slicked it back in a bun (a look I perfected since my ballerina days) and opened my closet to choose an outfit. With a quick glance I decided on a $12.99 navy/green cotton sun dress from H&M, green wedge sandals, did my make-up but skipped the eyeliner, put my glasses on and ran out the door. I looked good. Not great, but good. I never look bad.
Then I got to the theatre. It was like everyone was going to a wedding. Apparently this was a more formal event that called for something more than my cotton sun dress. I felt a little awkward, but my friends assured me I looked good. In a few short minutes the cocktail party would be over and we would be sitting in a dark theatre anyway.
A woman came over to my friends and I and asked if she could take our photo. We agreed and then she asked our names and said that it would be the NEWSPAPER in a few days. Oh God. Seriously?! My one and only fashion faux pas of my life will be documented in the newspaper forever and my name will appear beside it so there will never be any denying it.
Whew! I was really worried that I would end up in that fashion don't section of Glamour.
The Dating Game
"So Bachelorette, do you choose Bachelor 1, Bachelor 2 or Bachelor 3?"
Unfortunately dating is not that easy. I just got out of a three and a half year relationship, which was almost immediately after a almost 5 year relationship. So I have been out of the game for almost ten years. That means the last time I was actually on a proper 'date' I was 18?!
With both my past relationships, I knew that the guys were interested from the start. There was no game playing, we met, I gave them my number, they called (albeit 3 days later, so following 'The Rules'), we went on a date, things went well, the rest is history. I never worried about "are they going to call," "what if they don't like me etc."
Now I am back in the game and here we are.
A few months ago, the name of a guy that I haven't heard from in years appeared in my email inbox. He and his mates were planning a holiday and were thinking of Barbados. He asked what it is like etc. This started a email/BBM relationship. We talked on and off for a few months, normal old friend convo. "Hey what's up? The weather is great!" His buddies decided on a trip to Vegas instead, so we made plans to meet up for a drink when I came home in May.
We weren't able to meet up in May, but we did agree that we definitely would while I was home for summer. One day, I BBM'd him about the yucky weather during rainy season and his response was "I wanted to take you away somewhere cold while you are home since you missed winter, but I guess I will have to take you somewhere sunny."
I may be a rookie in this game, but there is no grey area in that comment. This guy was interested. That intro led to a few hours long convo, about how he has been interested for years but I was never single. I left that convo feeling pretty good, and then-- nothing. Never heard from him again. The day I arrived in Canada for summer holidays I sent him an email about getting a drink, and he confirmed that he would in fact like a drink. Then nothing. My phone has still not rang.
Now, here's the thing gentlemen. What game exactly are we playing? Is it the "let's see how many girls we can piss off so that we never get a date" game, because I don't really like that one :(
Really, what exactly are you accomplishing? Being all mysterious and waiting to call doesn't make you mysterious, it makes you look like a wanker. And I am not quite sure I believe all of that 'I don't want to hurt any one's feelings' because whose feelings are you really considering when you say a bunch of things that you don't mean?
Look, if you like me, I want you to call me. I am not going to think you are desperate. I know I am fabulous, so OBVIOUSLY you would want to call me right away. And later, if you find you are not really that into me, just say so, because although rejection does suck for a minute or two; there are plenty more of you waiting in the wings. I'll get over it I promise. Knowing that it is not going to work and telling me that is better than me and my girlfriends sitting around for hours on end discussing and analyzing what happened to you: did you have a girlfriend or a wife/a sick mother/a bad accident/some sort of defect that you didn't want me to know about/do you work for CSIS or are you just a not nice person? You disappearing is like when you lose something, you are not mad that you lost it, you are mad because you don't know what happened to it. Because really you are not that big of a deal. But I am kind of a big deal ;)
As time goes on, and I do not hear from Mr. Weekend Away I can't help but think that it's more of his loss than it is mine. At least I am not all talk.
Unfortunately dating is not that easy. I just got out of a three and a half year relationship, which was almost immediately after a almost 5 year relationship. So I have been out of the game for almost ten years. That means the last time I was actually on a proper 'date' I was 18?!
With both my past relationships, I knew that the guys were interested from the start. There was no game playing, we met, I gave them my number, they called (albeit 3 days later, so following 'The Rules'), we went on a date, things went well, the rest is history. I never worried about "are they going to call," "what if they don't like me etc."
Now I am back in the game and here we are.
A few months ago, the name of a guy that I haven't heard from in years appeared in my email inbox. He and his mates were planning a holiday and were thinking of Barbados. He asked what it is like etc. This started a email/BBM relationship. We talked on and off for a few months, normal old friend convo. "Hey what's up? The weather is great!" His buddies decided on a trip to Vegas instead, so we made plans to meet up for a drink when I came home in May.
We weren't able to meet up in May, but we did agree that we definitely would while I was home for summer. One day, I BBM'd him about the yucky weather during rainy season and his response was "I wanted to take you away somewhere cold while you are home since you missed winter, but I guess I will have to take you somewhere sunny."
I may be a rookie in this game, but there is no grey area in that comment. This guy was interested. That intro led to a few hours long convo, about how he has been interested for years but I was never single. I left that convo feeling pretty good, and then-- nothing. Never heard from him again. The day I arrived in Canada for summer holidays I sent him an email about getting a drink, and he confirmed that he would in fact like a drink. Then nothing. My phone has still not rang.
Now, here's the thing gentlemen. What game exactly are we playing? Is it the "let's see how many girls we can piss off so that we never get a date" game, because I don't really like that one :(
Really, what exactly are you accomplishing? Being all mysterious and waiting to call doesn't make you mysterious, it makes you look like a wanker. And I am not quite sure I believe all of that 'I don't want to hurt any one's feelings' because whose feelings are you really considering when you say a bunch of things that you don't mean?
Look, if you like me, I want you to call me. I am not going to think you are desperate. I know I am fabulous, so OBVIOUSLY you would want to call me right away. And later, if you find you are not really that into me, just say so, because although rejection does suck for a minute or two; there are plenty more of you waiting in the wings. I'll get over it I promise. Knowing that it is not going to work and telling me that is better than me and my girlfriends sitting around for hours on end discussing and analyzing what happened to you: did you have a girlfriend or a wife/a sick mother/a bad accident/some sort of defect that you didn't want me to know about/do you work for CSIS or are you just a not nice person? You disappearing is like when you lose something, you are not mad that you lost it, you are mad because you don't know what happened to it. Because really you are not that big of a deal. But I am kind of a big deal ;)
As time goes on, and I do not hear from Mr. Weekend Away I can't help but think that it's more of his loss than it is mine. At least I am not all talk.
June 29, 2010
Designer Labels
Scouring through the racks of shoes at Holt's, she finally finds it. There it is! What she has been hoping to find for all these weeks. That perfect pair of black stiletto pumps. The kind that can be worn with a strapless gown to a black-tie affair, or with a pair of jeans to a movie. The soles are red, the stamp on the inside says Christian Louboutin. They are worth every cent of their $750 price tag; there is no price for quality like that, and knowing that she has those coveted red heels makes it all worthwhile. She feels the rush, the smile on her lips, and she knows that the crappy day, week, month, year has just disappeared. None of that matters any more, she now has Louboutins, and and everything is now perfect in her world. Can you blame her?
Despite their versatility, these shoes will now be destined to exist only in her closet until that invitation to that black tie affair arrives, she just can’t wear them to the movies, shoes like that should be living a life of partying and scandal.
There is something about that designer label that sends us into a tail-spin. For some reason before we know it, there we are, we just have to HAVE that Chanel bag because that one from that other store that looks exactly the same is just NOT the same. That label on the inside makes it SO much more. We treat those items very well. They have prime real-estate in our closets where they spend most of their time, never to see the light of day. Only used for a few hours at night, where they get lost between the many legs under the table or in the dark depths of the coat check room, or slung over the back of the chair. We take such good care of them always saving it for that special occasion that may or may not ever arrive. While our other sale items get dumped on the bathroom floor, dragged through the snow and banged around the floor of the car as we drive.
What is it about labels? They don’t only apply to our clothes and shoes and accessories, they also apply to our lives. Being called his ‘girlfriend’ for the first time feels just as good as sliding into that Valentino for the first time. But, for some reason the labels that apply to our lives don’t always get treated with the greatest of care, like that Hermes scarf.
Labels in our own lives often get taken for granted. We throw around the labels: friend, sister, brother, enter your professional title here, mother, father, etc, very loosely, not always considering what those labels actually mean. We might argue with a family member the way we would never dream of speaking to a colleague and shrug it off as “but it’s my __________________, I can talk to them like that.”
I am lucky to have two older sisters. Their labels are not only sisters, but best friends. I cannot think of anyone else I would rather talk to or spend my time with. I have friends who talk to their sisters on Christmas and birthdays. That boggles my mind, but I guess for some people, having a sister is just a label for that girl that used to share the bathroom when growing up.
Getting rid of an unwanted label is not as easy as filling a bin bag and leaving it on the step of the Salvation Army. Liar, selfish, slacker, crazy, are all negative labels that we don’t want, but once we get them getting rid of them is like getting rid of wet sand in your bikini bottoms.
It might be a good time to clean out our closets of all the labels we don’t want, and keep only the labels that we are willing to use and are most important, even if we did get them on sale.
June 18, 2010
Auld Lang Syne
I do realize that it is only June, but for the past few years my years have been measured in only ten months, not twelve, they begin in September and end in June. So here we are at the end of a year for me. That’s the life of a teacher I guess.
For me, June doesn’t just mark the end of a year, but the beginning of summer. Two months of endless possibilities with no work to get in the way. It is a time to reflect on my goals and accomplishments and look forward to new goals and aspirations for September.
The end of a school year is always bitter sweet. Who wouldn’t look forward to two months of freedom to do whatever you please and still get paid? But even with all these positives there is still negative. The end of a school year marks the end of some wonderful collegial relationships as some of my fellow teachers who I have shared a cup of tea, a laugh, and even sometimes a freak out in the staffroom, may be moving on to greener pastures in September, and thus, who knows when I will see them again, if ever.
My wonderful class with whom I have spent 190 days and built some wonderful relationships with are off to a new class (maybe even in a new school), to start a new relationship with a new teacher all over again. I have not seen many of my students since the day they walked out of the classroom, but there are many that cross my mind now and then, and I wonder what they are up to, what they are doing, and wonder if they remember when we built that man ‘John Michael’ when we studied the human body. Or the reality TV show we created that we wanted to pitch to MTV because our class was so filled with drama, we thought it was worth the coveted Monday 10pm time slot, complete with an after show hosted by Jesse and Dan.
There have been so many changes this year in my life; I can’t believe it has been only ten months. Twelve months might fly by without even a hair out of place, but these past ten months have marked loads of change in both my personal and professional life. Although at the time, I thought my life was coming to an end, I can clearly see now how things change and why they do. I am far better off now than I was only ten months ago when I moved to this tiny island.
The words to the song Auld Lang Syne, say “should old acquaintances be forgot and never brought to mind?” When we start fresh we want to put everything behind us and forget about the past, but is that really the best choice? If it wasn’t for what happened in the past we wouldn’t be where we are now, whether it is good or bad. Although I would like to forget some of the past, I look back and am happy that I have had those experiences; they have made me who I am today.
On one of my recent dates, talking about his life and growing up, I felt bad that I sometimes think negatively about my own childhood. Although it was not perfect (no one’s is) my life has been pretty privileged compared to others and for that I am lucky. This guy was able to take the challenges in his life and overcome them to become a successful, independent man with a very positive outlook and the confidence to know exactly what kind of life he does not want for himself and his family, and I am confident that he will get it.
Life always has a way of working out. It may take us on a roller coaster ride blindfolded so we have no way of knowing what twists and turns are ahead, but we always get off, stand up straight, dust ourselves off, and with a big smile say, “Wow! What a ride!”
For me, June doesn’t just mark the end of a year, but the beginning of summer. Two months of endless possibilities with no work to get in the way. It is a time to reflect on my goals and accomplishments and look forward to new goals and aspirations for September.
The end of a school year is always bitter sweet. Who wouldn’t look forward to two months of freedom to do whatever you please and still get paid? But even with all these positives there is still negative. The end of a school year marks the end of some wonderful collegial relationships as some of my fellow teachers who I have shared a cup of tea, a laugh, and even sometimes a freak out in the staffroom, may be moving on to greener pastures in September, and thus, who knows when I will see them again, if ever.
My wonderful class with whom I have spent 190 days and built some wonderful relationships with are off to a new class (maybe even in a new school), to start a new relationship with a new teacher all over again. I have not seen many of my students since the day they walked out of the classroom, but there are many that cross my mind now and then, and I wonder what they are up to, what they are doing, and wonder if they remember when we built that man ‘John Michael’ when we studied the human body. Or the reality TV show we created that we wanted to pitch to MTV because our class was so filled with drama, we thought it was worth the coveted Monday 10pm time slot, complete with an after show hosted by Jesse and Dan.
There have been so many changes this year in my life; I can’t believe it has been only ten months. Twelve months might fly by without even a hair out of place, but these past ten months have marked loads of change in both my personal and professional life. Although at the time, I thought my life was coming to an end, I can clearly see now how things change and why they do. I am far better off now than I was only ten months ago when I moved to this tiny island.
The words to the song Auld Lang Syne, say “should old acquaintances be forgot and never brought to mind?” When we start fresh we want to put everything behind us and forget about the past, but is that really the best choice? If it wasn’t for what happened in the past we wouldn’t be where we are now, whether it is good or bad. Although I would like to forget some of the past, I look back and am happy that I have had those experiences; they have made me who I am today.
On one of my recent dates, talking about his life and growing up, I felt bad that I sometimes think negatively about my own childhood. Although it was not perfect (no one’s is) my life has been pretty privileged compared to others and for that I am lucky. This guy was able to take the challenges in his life and overcome them to become a successful, independent man with a very positive outlook and the confidence to know exactly what kind of life he does not want for himself and his family, and I am confident that he will get it.
Life always has a way of working out. It may take us on a roller coaster ride blindfolded so we have no way of knowing what twists and turns are ahead, but we always get off, stand up straight, dust ourselves off, and with a big smile say, “Wow! What a ride!”
June 17, 2010
Nothing to look forward to?
I have recently started dating. Two weeks, two guys. I guess when it rains it pours! There may even be a blast from the past. I quite like my single life and am not looking for anything serious, but I do like to meet new people, and maybe go to a movie or have dinner.
Both guys were lovely. Exactly the kind you would want to be your boyfriend, unfortunately, not MY boyfriend. That old cliche applies, "it's not you, it's me." They are wonderful, successful men, but I am just not interested in them that way. They could be the Prince of Persia and I would still have to say, "sorry, it's not you, it's me." I just can't get into anything-- not now. I am too busy being single.
A colleague (a widowed woman in her 60's) asked me how my dating life was going. We sat down one day over her file of exam papers and began chatting. She too has been dating someone, a man in his 70's. She has the same problem-- although the company is nice, there is something to be said about your OWN company. As our conversation continued, and I listened as she spoke, I felt like I was talking to one of my girlfriends, not a woman in her 60's.
How could it be that the man in his 70's that she described sounds EXACTLY like the men that I have dated/am dating in their 20's and 30's?! Is there SERIOUSLY nothing to look forward too? Does it really mean that ALL men really are the same? So it is NOT going to get any better?! Men are men regardless of age?
As I went home and thought about this, I had a flashback to my first year university anthropology class. My professor was a woman in her late 50's who had spent years living with a tribe in the jungles of northern Cameroon. This tribe was polygamous and this was one of the topics she completed her research in. She showed us a video she had made where she interviewed the woman of the tribe and they explained how they felt about their husbands having several wives. I couldn't believe that these women with no education, no technology, no Oprah, and no Sex and the City, had the same things to say as any educated woman in the west. They did not want to share their husbands, they did not like the other woman, they wanted to be loved and appreciated just the same as any other woman, but by a man who loved and appreciated only them.
I guess we have more in common with each other than we think.
Both guys were lovely. Exactly the kind you would want to be your boyfriend, unfortunately, not MY boyfriend. That old cliche applies, "it's not you, it's me." They are wonderful, successful men, but I am just not interested in them that way. They could be the Prince of Persia and I would still have to say, "sorry, it's not you, it's me." I just can't get into anything-- not now. I am too busy being single.
A colleague (a widowed woman in her 60's) asked me how my dating life was going. We sat down one day over her file of exam papers and began chatting. She too has been dating someone, a man in his 70's. She has the same problem-- although the company is nice, there is something to be said about your OWN company. As our conversation continued, and I listened as she spoke, I felt like I was talking to one of my girlfriends, not a woman in her 60's.
How could it be that the man in his 70's that she described sounds EXACTLY like the men that I have dated/am dating in their 20's and 30's?! Is there SERIOUSLY nothing to look forward too? Does it really mean that ALL men really are the same? So it is NOT going to get any better?! Men are men regardless of age?
As I went home and thought about this, I had a flashback to my first year university anthropology class. My professor was a woman in her late 50's who had spent years living with a tribe in the jungles of northern Cameroon. This tribe was polygamous and this was one of the topics she completed her research in. She showed us a video she had made where she interviewed the woman of the tribe and they explained how they felt about their husbands having several wives. I couldn't believe that these women with no education, no technology, no Oprah, and no Sex and the City, had the same things to say as any educated woman in the west. They did not want to share their husbands, they did not like the other woman, they wanted to be loved and appreciated just the same as any other woman, but by a man who loved and appreciated only them.
I guess we have more in common with each other than we think.
June 3, 2010
Don't live here, don't live there....
I am back home in Canada for a week. Mid-term break at school and my cousin is getting married so I thought I would make the trip.
Here's the thing.... I don't live here. My friends live here, my cat lives here, my family lives here, my car lives here, but I don't. When I am in Barbados it is hard to feel like home because it is not, but I live there. I am single now, but not sure if I wanna start any relationships here, because I don't live here. But I don't wanna start any relationships there, because I don't live there....
Feel like I am in no man's land.
Here's the thing.... I don't live here. My friends live here, my cat lives here, my family lives here, my car lives here, but I don't. When I am in Barbados it is hard to feel like home because it is not, but I live there. I am single now, but not sure if I wanna start any relationships here, because I don't live here. But I don't wanna start any relationships there, because I don't live there....
Feel like I am in no man's land.
May 12, 2010
"He's just not that into you!"
So a friend of mine recently leant me that book He's just not that into you! She is recently out of a long-term relationship and is now a year or two into a great one!
She told me to have a look, it made her feel better before she broke up with her old boyfriend.
I brought it home, put it on the coffee table and there it sat for a few days. Then I picked it up.......
If my friend was telling me about her bf troubles, I would say "seriously, he is just not that into you, and you need to move on!" Why is it so obvious to identify in someone else's relationship/life but not your own?! There I was reading this book thinking, "OBVIOUSLY he is not into you if he does __________."
Yet here I was, for so many years ignoring those same things in my own guy... :(
On Saturday night I went out for a friend's birthday. Trouble is, her bf is one of 'his' best friends. I sucked it up, looked cute and to the bar I went! Some of my friend's bf's friends were there (follow me?!) who I had met a time or two before, but did not know well because there were not really friends with 'him.'
Anyway, these 'friends' were into me, and I could soooooo tell. Were they just WAITING for me to be single?!
They have both added me to fbook and bbm, and although I have ZERO interest, I thought it interesting that we can easily tell when a guy is into us, but don't see (or choose not to) when he is not.
Clearly they knew could tell who I was.
xoxo
Little a
She told me to have a look, it made her feel better before she broke up with her old boyfriend.
I brought it home, put it on the coffee table and there it sat for a few days. Then I picked it up.......
If my friend was telling me about her bf troubles, I would say "seriously, he is just not that into you, and you need to move on!" Why is it so obvious to identify in someone else's relationship/life but not your own?! There I was reading this book thinking, "OBVIOUSLY he is not into you if he does __________."
Yet here I was, for so many years ignoring those same things in my own guy... :(
On Saturday night I went out for a friend's birthday. Trouble is, her bf is one of 'his' best friends. I sucked it up, looked cute and to the bar I went! Some of my friend's bf's friends were there (follow me?!) who I had met a time or two before, but did not know well because there were not really friends with 'him.'
Anyway, these 'friends' were into me, and I could soooooo tell. Were they just WAITING for me to be single?!
They have both added me to fbook and bbm, and although I have ZERO interest, I thought it interesting that we can easily tell when a guy is into us, but don't see (or choose not to) when he is not.
Clearly they knew could tell who I was.
xoxo
Little a
April 29, 2010
The Road Not Taken
Flashback:
1995. St. Marguerite Bourgeoys School. Grade 7. Mr. Abdilla's class. Assignment: memorize and recite the poem provided in front of the class.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost
I think next time, I will take the other one.
xoxo
Little A
1995. St. Marguerite Bourgeoys School. Grade 7. Mr. Abdilla's class. Assignment: memorize and recite the poem provided in front of the class.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost
I think next time, I will take the other one.
xoxo
Little A
April 24, 2010
Highest of Highs, Lowest of Lows
The past few months have been a roller coaster. I have never felt the way that I have been feeling EVER before.
Never before have I experienced the 3am panic attacks, the 1am crying phone calls to my sisters and BFF, and sleepless nights. I am not sure it is the end of the relationship that I am so upset over, yes the end of a relationship especially a 4 year one, is difficult, what really makes this so hard, are all of the sacrifices I have made to be here with 'him' and I feel it was all for nothing. Here I am on this island, with not many friends (most of my friends were his friends) only one family member.
I guess it could be worse, but, here I am on this island, when back home, one of my best friends is expecting her first baby (which I will miss), my sister was in the hospital for one month before giving birth to her first who came 6 weeks early and was in the ICU for 2 weeks (which I also missed), 3 of my friends are getting married (not sure if I will be able to attend). Huge changes have happened in my life and in the lives of the people I love the most and 'his' life continues as normal. He has never left this island. All the people that are nearest and dearest to him are here, his life has not changed so much, mine TONS.
I hate that the sight of him brings me to tears and feels like a slap in the face, and that the thought of him dating someone else makes me want to vomit. I cannot describe how I feel. No one should ever have to feel like this. Ever.
So I have decided that I am going to think positively and make the most of it. Everything happens for a reason, and Donnie did pick me out of a crowd!! I hate to obsess over it, but I think that was the high I needed to help me get over this.
Here's to not feeling so awful anymore and moving forward.... Stay tuned, I may just be all talk....
xoxo
Little a
Never before have I experienced the 3am panic attacks, the 1am crying phone calls to my sisters and BFF, and sleepless nights. I am not sure it is the end of the relationship that I am so upset over, yes the end of a relationship especially a 4 year one, is difficult, what really makes this so hard, are all of the sacrifices I have made to be here with 'him' and I feel it was all for nothing. Here I am on this island, with not many friends (most of my friends were his friends) only one family member.
I guess it could be worse, but, here I am on this island, when back home, one of my best friends is expecting her first baby (which I will miss), my sister was in the hospital for one month before giving birth to her first who came 6 weeks early and was in the ICU for 2 weeks (which I also missed), 3 of my friends are getting married (not sure if I will be able to attend). Huge changes have happened in my life and in the lives of the people I love the most and 'his' life continues as normal. He has never left this island. All the people that are nearest and dearest to him are here, his life has not changed so much, mine TONS.
I hate that the sight of him brings me to tears and feels like a slap in the face, and that the thought of him dating someone else makes me want to vomit. I cannot describe how I feel. No one should ever have to feel like this. Ever.
So I have decided that I am going to think positively and make the most of it. Everything happens for a reason, and Donnie did pick me out of a crowd!! I hate to obsess over it, but I think that was the high I needed to help me get over this.
Here's to not feeling so awful anymore and moving forward.... Stay tuned, I may just be all talk....
xoxo
Little a
April 23, 2010
Best night ever!
So the NKOTB concert finally arrived. I went with my friend SK and some of her friends. We also met up with a girl called Leona, who is a friend of a friend and loves New Kids. She bought a ticket but had no one to go with!! (What is WRONG with people?!?!) She was awesome!! Anyway, we got there and we all had the same MO-- GET AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE!!!!!
And we did, after some swift manoeuvring we managed to get right up to the front. As we stood and watched local artist Jaicko perform, the guy beside me grabbed my arm to get my attention, I totally brushed him off with a dirty look, only to realize later that he had a press pass and was allowed backstage!!!! UUUGGGHHHH!!! *Mental note: be nicer next time!!* screw up #1
Anyway, we watched The Barenaked Ladies (very good!) and then they arrived!! I was SOOO excited, we were ALL SOO excited!! We all had our fave guys and none of us were in competition since we all liked different ones. :) Throughout the concert I kept thinking that Jordan was making eye-contact with me, but dismissed it, and continued enjoying the show. Then SK said, "Jordan keeps making eye-contact with you and I am SOOO jealous!!"
Part way into the show, I put my camera away because we were so close and I felt bad that everyone was shoving cameras in their faces.
At one point, Donnie (MY FAVOURITE!!) made eye-contact with me and me made a 'me and you' motion and smiled at me.... Not sure if anyone else saw it, but I am sure it happened. That was the first time I died....
At the end of the show, they all came up to the front and were shaking hands with the crowd etc. Jordan came over and I didn't put my hand out since everyone around me was freaking, and he motioned for my hand and I gave it to him and he gave me a quick handshake and smile. That was the second time I died...
Donnie was the last one to come over, and the same thing happened; everyone was shoving their hands/cameras in their faces or trying to grab him, I stayed put.
THEN, Donnie pointed at me, I wasn't sure who he was pointing at, so I gave a confused "me?!" look, and he said "yes you!"
That would be when
HE REACHED OVER LIKE 4 GIRLS GRABBED MY HAND AND HELD IT FOR AGES AND THEN SMILED AND WINKED AT ME!!!!!!!
I thought for sure I imagined it all, but then SK and Leona looked at me and said "OH MY GOD can you BELIEVE that just happened?!?!?!?"
I really couldn't!! I died for the third time.
We stayed at the concert for a bit longer and then left, we had some people to drive home, so by the time SK dropped me off at my house it was 1:15am. We sat in the car in front of my flat debating whether or not to go to the after-party one of the crew told us about. We decided against it (crazy I know!!) Screw up #2. because we thought it would already be too late. Today, SK emailed me to let me know that someone she knows went to the party and it was mostly crew and band, but that around 2am two of the New Kids showed up!! If we had left my house at 1:15 we would have arrived at the party around the same time!!
I could have made out with Donnie, I totally think he wanted to make out with me!! :(
To make the night even better, one of SK's friends asked me how old I was, he guessed 19, he almost died when I told him I was 27 (well 4 months away from 27...) he even had the others guess, they all guessed 21 tops! COULD THIS NIGHT GET BETTER?!?!?!
I woke up this morning on a high, then I saw 'him' and his dad. 'He' didn't talk to me. My memories of Donnie were long lost and into misery I fell :( I called my BFF MN and told her about the events of the past 24 hours and why I was feeling so crappy. Her response was "You wipe those tears and I don't want to hear it ever again! DONNIE picked YOU out of a crowd and smiled and winked at you!! Tell 'him' to go shove it, clearly you are something special and he doesn't see it!!"
I think she is right, now if only I could believe it.
xoxo
Little a
And we did, after some swift manoeuvring we managed to get right up to the front. As we stood and watched local artist Jaicko perform, the guy beside me grabbed my arm to get my attention, I totally brushed him off with a dirty look, only to realize later that he had a press pass and was allowed backstage!!!! UUUGGGHHHH!!! *Mental note: be nicer next time!!* screw up #1
Anyway, we watched The Barenaked Ladies (very good!) and then they arrived!! I was SOOO excited, we were ALL SOO excited!! We all had our fave guys and none of us were in competition since we all liked different ones. :) Throughout the concert I kept thinking that Jordan was making eye-contact with me, but dismissed it, and continued enjoying the show. Then SK said, "Jordan keeps making eye-contact with you and I am SOOO jealous!!"
Part way into the show, I put my camera away because we were so close and I felt bad that everyone was shoving cameras in their faces.
At one point, Donnie (MY FAVOURITE!!) made eye-contact with me and me made a 'me and you' motion and smiled at me.... Not sure if anyone else saw it, but I am sure it happened. That was the first time I died....
At the end of the show, they all came up to the front and were shaking hands with the crowd etc. Jordan came over and I didn't put my hand out since everyone around me was freaking, and he motioned for my hand and I gave it to him and he gave me a quick handshake and smile. That was the second time I died...
Donnie was the last one to come over, and the same thing happened; everyone was shoving their hands/cameras in their faces or trying to grab him, I stayed put.
THEN, Donnie pointed at me, I wasn't sure who he was pointing at, so I gave a confused "me?!" look, and he said "yes you!"
That would be when
HE REACHED OVER LIKE 4 GIRLS GRABBED MY HAND AND HELD IT FOR AGES AND THEN SMILED AND WINKED AT ME!!!!!!!
I thought for sure I imagined it all, but then SK and Leona looked at me and said "OH MY GOD can you BELIEVE that just happened?!?!?!?"
I really couldn't!! I died for the third time.
We stayed at the concert for a bit longer and then left, we had some people to drive home, so by the time SK dropped me off at my house it was 1:15am. We sat in the car in front of my flat debating whether or not to go to the after-party one of the crew told us about. We decided against it (crazy I know!!) Screw up #2. because we thought it would already be too late. Today, SK emailed me to let me know that someone she knows went to the party and it was mostly crew and band, but that around 2am two of the New Kids showed up!! If we had left my house at 1:15 we would have arrived at the party around the same time!!
I could have made out with Donnie, I totally think he wanted to make out with me!! :(
To make the night even better, one of SK's friends asked me how old I was, he guessed 19, he almost died when I told him I was 27 (well 4 months away from 27...) he even had the others guess, they all guessed 21 tops! COULD THIS NIGHT GET BETTER?!?!?!
I woke up this morning on a high, then I saw 'him' and his dad. 'He' didn't talk to me. My memories of Donnie were long lost and into misery I fell :( I called my BFF MN and told her about the events of the past 24 hours and why I was feeling so crappy. Her response was "You wipe those tears and I don't want to hear it ever again! DONNIE picked YOU out of a crowd and smiled and winked at you!! Tell 'him' to go shove it, clearly you are something special and he doesn't see it!!"
I think she is right, now if only I could believe it.
xoxo
Little a
April 20, 2010
The stars are realigning
I talked to one of my best friends back in Canada last week. That is what I needed-- some QT with some good friends. Since returning from what should have been a relaxing trip to the UK, I began feeling even more miserable and lonely than before.
Anyway, after some pep talk from my WONDERFUL friend, she told me the age old line, "everything happens for a reason." And slowly I am beginning to see, now if only I could believe....
One of the things that had me feeling the most miserable was knowing that I had given up my (kick-ass) job in Canada. My WONDERFUL friend told me that because I resigned half-way through the school year, another one of our good friends was offered my job! She is newly engaged and had not started planning her wedding yet because she was only in a contract position.
I was meant to resign so that my friend could get my job and begin her life and I could.....
Who knows what will happen next in my life, I can only hope that it will be something good.
But the plan already seems to be in motion, I just hope that it is Plan A, not Plan B ;)
xoxo
Little a
Anyway, after some pep talk from my WONDERFUL friend, she told me the age old line, "everything happens for a reason." And slowly I am beginning to see, now if only I could believe....
One of the things that had me feeling the most miserable was knowing that I had given up my (kick-ass) job in Canada. My WONDERFUL friend told me that because I resigned half-way through the school year, another one of our good friends was offered my job! She is newly engaged and had not started planning her wedding yet because she was only in a contract position.
I was meant to resign so that my friend could get my job and begin her life and I could.....
Who knows what will happen next in my life, I can only hope that it will be something good.
But the plan already seems to be in motion, I just hope that it is Plan A, not Plan B ;)
xoxo
Little a
April 16, 2010
It's all relative
Remember when you were 5 and someone wouldn't play with you at school? It was the end of the world, and all the grown-ups around you brushed it off like it was no big deal, but, to you, the whole world was falling apart and all you wanted was someone to take you seriously.
Some things never change.
When you are depressed/happy/sad/angry/hurt/excited it's not fair when someone rains on your parade with their more depressing/happy/sad/angry/hurtful/exciting news or make you feel bad for feeling the way you do when there are people in the world who are better/worse off.
Just because you have never had something catastrophic or super-amazing happen in your life does that make your experience less worthy of feeling that way? Does that make your situation less important than someone elses'?
Because, to you it may well be the most catastrophic or super-amazing thing that has ever happened to you and sometimes there isn't anyone who will take you seriously.
xoxo
Little a
Some things never change.
When you are depressed/happy/sad/angry/hurt/excited it's not fair when someone rains on your parade with their more depressing/happy/sad/angry/hurtful/exciting news or make you feel bad for feeling the way you do when there are people in the world who are better/worse off.
Just because you have never had something catastrophic or super-amazing happen in your life does that make your experience less worthy of feeling that way? Does that make your situation less important than someone elses'?
Because, to you it may well be the most catastrophic or super-amazing thing that has ever happened to you and sometimes there isn't anyone who will take you seriously.
xoxo
Little a
April 11, 2010
Elementary Watson....
You see, but you do not observe. The distinction is clear. -- Sherlock Holmes, A Scandal in Bohemia
The lady in the elevator. The street lamp with the burnt out bulb. The stain on the carpet. The lady that works at Tim Horton's. Your relationship. Your friends at dinner. Your colleague in the morning.
Have you ever talked to your taxi driver?
xoxo
Little a
April 2, 2010
"I have always depended on the kindness of strangers"
I am afraid of flying. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but somehow I became afraid and flying gives me serious anxiety, and yesterday I had to get onto a plane for 8h45mins to travel from Barbados to London.
I boarded the plane and found a nice woman sitting beside me. I told her that I might freak out during the course of the flight, she assured me that she does not get scared so that we would be a good match. We got settled and continued talking. She picked up the 'Duty Free Shopping' magazine and started to point cute stuff out to me. Before I knew it, I looked out the window and we were flying, she distracted me from the take off which is the part I fear the most.
As we talked, she asked what my story was and I told her that I was going to get a few days of fun with my friends after the crap month I had. When the turbulence hit, I didn't even have time to get scared because she had already called over the flight attendant to ask to show me a DKNY watch that she thought I had to have. Especially after I mentioned that my current watch was a gift from 'him.' As the flight attendant showed me the watch, the lady beside me told her why I needed a new time piece. The flight attendant could not believe it, and told me that I HAD to buy it. So I did! I bought it and put it away in my bag, the lady beside me said, "excuse me! what are you doing?! put that watch on right now!!" And so I did. And I have not taken it off. :) As we landed the flight attendant came over to tell me that she hoped I had a great time and that she didn't think I would be single for long. At this point, I really don't mind if I am....
So, who was that lady that was sitting beside me?! Her name was Romaine and she was in Barbados for 2 weeks visiting some friends she hasn't seen in years. I remember the number of seats that I turned down when checking in at the airport, did I know I was going to sit beside someone fabulous when I finally chose that one?
xoxo
Little a
April 1, 2010
March 29, 2010
Do you know who I am?!
Went for dinner on Saturday night with some friends. A former NYC chef, is living here in Barbados and is unemployed. So she makes a 5-course meal and serves it to her friends/friends of friends at her house for a very reasonable rate. The food was delish, but I felt a little strange sitting and socializing with my friends in some ladies house. But it was def a cool experience. I was home early, by about 10. I am reading a book online right now, so I changed into my pj's and got into bed with my laptop to continue reading-- but not before checking my email.
And there it was, a simple 3 sentence email from my friend Vanessa back home in Canada. All it said was, "say hello to your newest single friend.... Just thought I should let you know you are not alone in your suffering. We'll catch up when you are home in May."
I knew she and her bf were having probs, I was there for her last June during a break-up, but they had got back together and seemed to be working things out.
After reading this, I immediately wished I was at home, where I could be with my friend. This was nothing some girl talk over Swiss Chalet or Tim Horton's couldn't fix.
Then, I started thinking and I kept coming back to the same thought. Something that I think not only myself, but all of my friends, and all girls should say to themselves after some guy has done the Mexican hat dance on their feelings: "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"
Really?! Do you know who I am?! Because I am pretty effin' cool!
I can watch (insert your favourite sport) and cheer for your favourite team with (genuine) enthusiasm. I can chill with the guys, and discuss Maxim magazine and who is hotter, Angelina or Megan, with the same enthusiasm that I will talk to your mom about the new shoes she just bought, or her new bathroom wallpaper. The same enthusiasm, I will discuss your dad's new garage door opener, and Grandma/Auntie May's bad hip.
I am good-looking, smart, funny, successful and have NO problem with your night out with the boys. I can wear track pants and a t-shirt and hang out at home all day, but I also have pearls and a cardi if I have to attend your work function, and talk to your bosses wife about 'Dancing with the Stars' and to your boss about the current economic status of the world.
I can do all this, not because I am fake and pretend to be something I am not, but because, I am adaptable and open-minded and CARE about what people have to say.
Vanessa is the same! She is smart, beautiful, friendly, successful, independent and an all-round wonderful person. Who does her ex-bf think he will find that is better than that?!!
If you don't believe me, Just ask my very first boyfriend, about how cool I am?! We broke up almost 4 years ago and he is still single (I think... lol). He had to learn the hard way.
"One day you're going to wake up and realize how much you love me and when that day comes I am going to be snuggled up beside the one who knew."
xoxo
Little a
March 28, 2010
That's what you get for being so ambitious....
I think as a teacher, I am way more excited for holidays than I was as a kid!
So on Friday night, all of us teachers decided to hit the town for dinner and drinks to celebrate the end of a stressful term. Work stress is enough, but coupled with my personal life stress, I was happy that this term has come to an end, especially since this last day of term, was also exactly one month since the 'split.' I was more than looking forward to a night of alcohol. I was more than prepared to blame my behaviour of the night on the "Goose that got me feeling loose."
I made plans to leave my car at the restaurant, my friend Fleur even took the BUS so that she wouldn't have to drive, we were, after all, getting crunked!!
I arrived at the resto first, strange, since I am always the last. And as I waited at the bar, the hostess offered me a drink-- vodka/pineapple (drink #1 of the evening)! This was going to be a good night!! The others arrived shortly after and we were escorted to our table and I was finished my drink.
The waiter took our drink orders and this was drink #2, I got a 'Hummingbird' vodka, orange juice and peach schnapps.
We chatted and laughed (the vibe of everyone at the table was great!) and then the waiter took our orders (wait! we were sitting 1o minutes and the waiter took our orders?! When was I magically teleported to the real world?! I thought I was in Barbados, the land of not-so-good customer service!) We got our food, less than an hour after sitting down (miracle of miracles!) And slowly, the food coma started to settle in... NO! this can't be happening, I am supposed to get drunk tonight and forget about my personal and professional stresses... This can't be happening, I look over to the end of the table to where Fleur (my partner in crime for this evenings festivities) is sitting, and her eyes are slowly blinking, and staying closed in a blink for a second or two longer than they should..... What is going on?! What time is it?! Not even 10?!
My thoughts were then interrupted by the voice asking, "would you care for dessert or coffee?" Yes, that's what I need, tea, some caffeine will do the trick and get me back on track! As we settle in to our coffees and desserts, "where are we going next for drinks?" asks one of my fellow diners..... I don't know what happened, it was like someone took over my voice, and I said, "you guys go ahead-- I think I am going to go home." Fleur looked at me with TIRED eyes, and said, "Yep, I am going home too."
And, just like that, our plans of getting crunked, my plans of a drunken cry-fest (even though lately, I don't need to be drunk for that) came to an abrupt end. I paid my bill, got in the car and went home. Didn't even wash off my make-up, only brushed my teeth and hit the pillow. I was out before I even remember closing my eyes... What time was it?! 10:45??!!
So disappointing! :(
Little a
March 26, 2010
Easter Break
So, today was the last day of school. Monday marks the beginning of Easter break- 2 weeks of vacation. These 2 weeks were supposed to be spent either on a cruise or in Miami with 'him.'
I decided that I was just going to stay local and hang out and relax with my friends. Then I woke up Tuesday morning, inspired, so I called my friend Kim in London right away and asked if I could 'come over?!'
So now, I am going to London, England, my favourite city in the whole world (not that I have been to many cities! lol) to spend some much needed QT with my friends.
Yesterday I bought tickets to the New Kids on the Block concert!!! :D
Seems like that saying is right, "March roars in like a lion and out like a lamb!"
I've always wanted this song to be about me, I guess now it can be!! :)
Little A
xoxo
I decided that I was just going to stay local and hang out and relax with my friends. Then I woke up Tuesday morning, inspired, so I called my friend Kim in London right away and asked if I could 'come over?!'
So now, I am going to London, England, my favourite city in the whole world (not that I have been to many cities! lol) to spend some much needed QT with my friends.
Yesterday I bought tickets to the New Kids on the Block concert!!! :D
Seems like that saying is right, "March roars in like a lion and out like a lamb!"
I've always wanted this song to be about me, I guess now it can be!! :)
Little A
xoxo
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